


The Goodbye

by fckyeahgallavich



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Feelings, M/M, Post-Canon, Sad, undetailed sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 13:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14833163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fckyeahgallavich/pseuds/fckyeahgallavich
Summary: Brian's perspective of saying goodbye to Justin.





	The Goodbye

Justin's plane had landed an hour ago, Brian knew, as he lay in the same spot Justin left him in. He hadn't moved a muscle since the younger man had slipped out from under him early that morning to get dressed and catch his flight. Once he was dressed, he had laid across their bed one last time and wordlessly stared at Brian--who was _not_ crying, thank you very much--for just another few minutes before stroking his face and kissing him softly. Brian refused to move more than pursing his lips to kiss him back. If he gave himself an inch he would wrap around Justin like a vice and never let him go.

"I love you, Brian." Justin whispered before shuffling away from Brian's form. As the blonde turned to leave the bedroom, Brian murmured the sentiment back, shocking Justin to stillness before whipping around. Brian sucked in a breath, readjusted himself on top of the covers to give himself a better visual of the blonde's face and repeated the words with more confidence, wanting to be certain the last thing he ever said to Justin was said without any uncertainty and with the upmost clarity. Justin smiled sadly, reminding Brian, as always, why he'd been nicknamed Sunshine. He truly was radiant... even with the teary glaze over his eyes, he was pure and radiant light. The warmth Justin carried with his sunshine-ness faded quickly after he was gone as his notable absence weighed Brian into the bed, smothering him in longing.

That had been approximately three hours ago--he couldn't be sure, he didn't have a watch and wouldn't move to check his alarm clock, but that was his best guess--and Brian still had no desire to move. Being still so long was wearing on his joints, though, and he knew he would have to get up and get dressed eventually.

No one could have expected Brian Kinney of all people to take this so hard. Especially since it was half Brian's idea. He knew he couldn't live with himself if Justin stayed in Shitsburgh on account of him. And sure, Brian could have gone with him... but this was Justin's journey and as much as it had killed Brian to admit that night when they decided to call off the wedding, his place was in Pittsburgh and he could no more drop his entire life to follow Justin to New York than he could expect Justin to drop his potential dream career to stay here with him. Besides, Justin had never  _really_ done anything on his own. Not long-term and not without having a return ticket already in his back pocket. It was time for the young man to stand on his own two feet and show the world, and himself, what he was capable of. And Brian couldn't be prouder that he was going to do just that. He knew he was going to be fucking fantastic. But being proud didn't numb the sharp pain inflicted on his heart from the distance and the uncertainty of their future. Brian had just started to get used to the idea of getting married, of settling down. He'd... he'd even  _enjoyed_ thinking about the changes their being married would make and was genuinely excited to see what adventures they could get themselves into from this final frontier of life experiences. And then it got ripped away because he had to go and be selfless because he couldn't live with himself if Justin lived with constant 'what-ifs" the rest of their life together.

_Dammit_.

And sure, they could have still gotten married and Justin still could have gone... But Justin, Mr. Justin Taylor, reminded Brian that there was no reason to get married if they were going to separate anyway... which led to their realization that they didn't have to get married at all. Their commitment, just like always, should be in their hearts and not legally or spiritually obligated to continue. Justin had even repeated words he'd told him once a long time ago,  _if we’re together it’s because we want to be, not because there’s locks on our doors._

So they'd stayed up that night before their rehearsal dinner talking over their relationship. And it was a strange shift, even for Brian, to make after having just gotten used to the idea of giving up his wild lifestyle to become domesticated. And he'd actually wanted to be... Genuinely wanted to calm down because he knew that he and Justin would find some way to keep life exciting in  _their_ way.

In the end they decided that they were each free to fuck whoever they wanted and were under no obligation to call or email the other unless they genuinely wanted to. If they wanted to go to orgies every weekend and not call they were free to do that. If they wanted to kiss strangers on the mouths they were free to do that. As much as it actually wounded Brian's heart, they were both essentially single. But Justin insisted that they would come back to each other. And for that night Brian had agreed because he'd  _needed_ to believe that. He couldn't let Justin go otherwise. Justin had crawled into Brian's lap  and wrapped himself around him like a fucking koala and Brian had clutched him to him, though his arms felt heavy and chest felt hollow. They'd sat like that virtually the rest of the night, kissing and whispering to each other. Justin mostly promising that they would have romantic strolls through Central Park where they would probably find some private place to be daring and fuck--to which Brian had laughed and returned that Justin probably wouldn't have the chance to visit any of his favorite places in Pittsburgh on his visits home because they're going to be doing what they do best, fucking on every available surface in the loft, to which Justin smirked fondly and kissed Brian gently. Brian also assured Justin that if he was in any financial trouble at all to just let him know. He would never let Justin go hungry or without a roof over his head, but Justin refused saying if he was going to try doing this on his own he was really going to try doing it on his own and wasn't going to pussy out of that experience. Brian looked worried at that but Justin had just grabbed his face and kissed him hard as a thank you for the generous offer anyway. From there, Justin nervously asked if Brian would come to his exhibitions and Brian looked nearly offended that it was even a question in the blonde's silly head.

Calling off the wedding to their family was hard but in that moment Brian was genuinely confident that they would be fine. After all of their hypothetical scenarios of spending weekends and maybe even whole weeks or months together at a time to make up for _lost_ time, Brian was actually convinced during that dinner party that they would be fine and nothing would change.

After losing his son and stewing in his loss, and preparing himself for another, Brian wasn't feeling quite so confident the night before Justin left. Last night Brian had just calmly stood to the side as Justin scrounged through the apartment making sure he gathered all of his stuff... his colognes, his socks, his medications, his brushes and pencils... Brian had kept his cool while Justin sorted through  _their_ stuff to decide what he wanted vs. needed,  what was his to take vs. what was too painful to ask Brian for. Not that Brian would have denied Justin anything. The kid could have packed the whole goddamned apartment and Brian would have let him. Even though Justin had insisted the other night that they weren't broken up, that this wasn't a goodbye, just a pause button--and even though Brian had agreed and held onto him without batting an eye outwardly showing his confidence that they were fine--right here, right now, nothing felt more permanent. In this moment, Brian was freaking the  _fuck_ _out._ Because Justin was making sure he didn't leave a trace of himself behind, because he was leaving for good and there would be no room for Brian in his New York life once he made it as a big artist. No matter what Justin said, no matter how confident he seemed in  _them_ Brian had never had more doubts and was never more frightened by these doubts.

Brian had never put so much of himself into one person before, not even Michael. And he was about to lose him... And so soon after laying all bare for him. It was a shock to the system and a damned near tragedy--This thought annoyed Brian because he knew there was nothing  _tragic_ about this. No one had  _died,_ Justin was just going off on his own adventure for a while. And while he was gone Brian would continue as Brian always had...

But that was the problem, Brian didn't want to continue as he always had. Not if Justin wasn't with him...

Even as these thoughts streamed through Brian's brain as he poured them each a bourbon, he knew he was being ridiculous. And yet these resentful thoughts kept coming and he fought them with every fiber of his being. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Justin returning to the kitchen area with his toiletry bag, stuffed to capacity it seemed.

"When's your flight?" Brian asked, trying entirely too hard to seem okay.

"Ten." Justin responded as faux-easily.

Nausea curdled his stomach as he wandered to Justin, offering him his drink.  _How had he gone from planning the next four weekends and looking forward to tennis matches on their own property, christening the entire house with their devoted marital fucking, being excited to curl up by a fire to just talk... to this? To counting down the hours, the minutes..._ Brian felt like he had been kicked in the stomach and was fighting the stinging sensation behind his eyes. Justin had babbled about New York... he'd found a roommate through Daphne, bless that girl, and was worried about finding a work space. But Brian didn't want to hear any of this... He wanted Justin to want to stay but knew that wasn't fair. And Brian didn't even really want Justin to stay... He just didn't want him to go.

Finally, Brian replied idly, something about Justin managing as he always does, conveying his confidence in Justin's ability but being unable to hide how hard this was turning out to be. They stalked around each other awkwardly, neither knowing how to handle their last night together knowing that it could be the last or it could just be the new start. The unknown leered over both of them and darkened the room. Justin took a sip of his drink and watched Brian--he could feel his eyes on his back.

"I'll be back," Justin said with the strongest, most affirmed tone Brian had ever heard from him. Brian turned to look at him as the darkness crawled in his stomach. Justin raised his brows in emphasis as though saying  _you know I'm right_. "And you'll come there, we're going to see each other all the time!"  _Ah, ever the optimist, Sunshine..._ Brian thought bitterly as he answered breathlessly, "You don't know that..."

His voice sounded dark to his own ears--stuffy and thick. "And neither do I..." They looked at each other for a moment before avoiding each other's glances again. He threw on a quick smile to reassure them both that though, no, they didn't know, everything would be okay anyway... Even though Brian wasn't entirely sure he believed it. Justin's confidence seemed to fade a little but being the resilient fucker that he was Brian knew his confidence hadn't truly wavered--Brian had just dimmed his Sunshine's light with his pessimism... Brian bit his lip as he considered all he was feeling, all Justin seemed to be feeling... The logical and realistic possibility that they would somehow come out of this experience  _together._ Even in their dysfunctional, non-traditional manner. 

"Whether we see each other next weekend... Or next month..." Brian had to take a deep breath to steady himself, "never again," he nearly flinched to say, "it doesn't matter, it's only time." He sounded more confident than he felt to his own ears and felt proud of himself that he was putting on such a brave face. Brian wasn't a skilled liar because his policy had always been honesty. But he wasn't exactly lying, just masking the darker feelings... Something he would think would be his specialty by now but for some reason was kicking his ass to make the effort to do. Despite the calm demeanor he'd somehow managed to pull out of his ass for Justin's sake, Brian had to turn away quickly before his mask cracked and Justin saw just how hurt he was (but who was Brian kidding, he knew Justin saw how deeply hurt he was anyway) and took a drink. He turned from Justin to sip the alcohol to settle his stomach, and give himself a chance to calm the stinging in his eyes. Behind him he heard Justin set his tumblr down and pick something up, prompting Brian to turn back around. His stomach clenched when he saw Justin holding their rings still perfectly nestled in the velvet box.

"You didn't return them?" Justin asked sounding shocked to an almost insulting degree. Brian just shook his head and forced another smile as his stomach rolled again with unfulfilled longing.

"I didn't return them." He confirmed breathlessly. He couldn't help his smile this time as Justin opened the box and fingered the rings. They had picked out the simplest and most traditional gold bands to ironically clash with their surely to be non-traditional marriage. It had seemed right, though, at the time to have  _something_ traditional in their lives even though everything about them was so non-conformist otherwise. Brian frowned in disappointment because even now he wanted nothing... absolutely  _nothing_ more than for them to both be wearing their rings right now, to know where they were headed even if Justin was venturing off on his own for a while. Had they continued as planned, they would be wearing their rings, they would be  _husbands_ and it was still odd that this word filled Brian with longing not disgust. That he still wanted it as badly as he wanted Justin's success for him. But also he frowned because he knew he never would return those rings. Even if they never saw each other again after this day, Brian would keep those rings in his possession as a reminder of who had almost tamed him and of who he would always be willing to be tamed for.

Justin ran his fingers across the metal of each band and lingered on the ring on the left... Justin's ring... and Brian's heart swelled as he took in Justin's focused face. Justin gripped it between his fingers but did not pull it out of the indented pillow. He remained in that stance for a moment, seeming to be thinking something over before he finally released the ring and flipped the box closed, setting it gently on the table to look up at Brian with that fierce determination Brian so, so loved.

"We don't need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that." Brian's heart vanished from his chest in an instant as he was overtaken by Justin's words. The conviction with which Justin spoke those words, the confidence that they were still in love and that they didn't need to prove it to anyone so long as they both knew it... Christ, it filled Brian's anxious body with pride like he'd never known before. And in that instant the dark clouds of loss and longing receded as Brian just took in Justin's beautiful face and he couldn't help but smile at him. Despite his doubts, Brian felt rejuvenated by Justin's unwavering faith in them and at the reminder that they were queers. They didn't need marriage to be the final sign to everyone around them that they were committed. If they wanted to be committed... they would be. They'd fuck around, sure. But Brian knew  _he_ certainly wouldn't feel this way about anyone else... and Justin seemed convinced he wouldn't either. And though Brian was definitely worried about Justin falling in love with someone else, the fact was they wouldn't know until it happened, and if Justin were to fall in love with someone else, it would happen anyway. No piece of metal or paper, no sweetly spoken words in front of family and friends would prevent Justin from falling in love with someone else if he was going to anyway. And it was in this moment that Brian decided... fuck it. It would hurt like hell to lose Justin, but he had to let Justin go to see how much he could achieve and Brian would be back home waiting for him and rooting for him the entire way.

"You did it..." Brian finally replied, smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Justin looked confused but smiled anyway... because he's Sunshine so of course he would.

"Did what?" Justin laughed. Brian licked his lips and swallowed hard, the remaining anxiety still bubbling in his stomach and toying with his emotions.

"Became... the  _best_ homosexual you could possibly be." Though Brian's voice broke revealing his struggle, the pride definitely shone through there and Justin smiled... but the smile wavered as Justin appeared to face his own wall of emotion. Good, so Brian wasn't the only one struggling with this decision. Justin would miss him too and was as torn. Something about that made Brian feel better. But also didn't help at all. Justin regained control of his features and gazed up into Brian's eyes. Brian smiled back and took in Justin's watering eyes and felt himself start to break too.  _Fuck..._

Justin ran his hands over Brian's shoulders, squeezing in reassurance and desperation. It was a good thing Brian had nothing else left to say... because his throat had closed so much there was no way he could say anything anyway. Justin's glazed eyes bore into Brian's for a long moment, emotion darkening his features as it seemed even in his optimism, reality came crashing down and even though just seconds before Brian had felt so confident, so sure, so comforted, he still almost crashed into a fit because of what they were about to do. Brian pulled Justin in for a kiss because he needed to numb their pain and he could not bear to see Justin getting himself worked up and he couldn't bear to spend one second of their last night together not touching in some way. If he was going to have to wait possibly months before touching this boy again, he needed to get his fill now (or at least try because he knew there was no such thing... If Brian hadn't gotten his fill of him after three years of living with him, he knew he never would... But goddammit he had to try.)

The kiss was searing, desperate, sad, loving, life-affirming. Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and Brian clutched him to him as he kissed him. They pulled apart and wordlessly decided how they were spending their night.

They undressed each other slowly but efficiently, taking great care to savor every visual of their meticulously revealed flesh. They made their way over to the couch where they kissed languidly and touched each other softly, even reverently. They took their time with each other, something they were not accustomed to doing in their history of fast fucks and wild rides. Sure they made love every now and again, but until recently Brian never looked at it _as_ making love. Here and now, Brian couldn't think of any other way  _to_ describe what they were doing.

Every touch was measured and weighted with love and care. Brian didn't just hold Justin's thigh, he cradled it. He didn't just grasp Justin's hand, he nestled his fingers between Justin's with purpose and made sure to note the warm feeling that bled into his core from looking into Justin's eyes as he filled him. Justin seemed to be memorizing everything about him and their experience as well--refusing to close his eyes and watching every move they made. Like when Brian intertwined their fingers, Justin watched how their hands glided against each other and how Brian's fingers sank in between each of Justin's; and then Justin watched Brian lift his thigh to settle over his waist as Brian entered him. A sinful noise erupted from his chest as Brian bottomed out and Justin couldn't help but close his eyes as he savored the feeling. Once Brian was there, Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and kissed him with fervor and Brian lowered himself into Justin's embrace to hold him as he pulled his hips back and snapped them forward. 

They moved together in a way that could only be described as worship. They each worshiped every muscle, every movement, every gasp, every glance, every kiss... Justin clutched Brian to him as they set their pace and that is how they continued for the next several hours. This wasn't their usual marathon sex, though. Sure, they were used to multiples but this was different. This wasn't about being 'hot' this wasn't about being sexy or making orgasms worthy of bragging about at a bar. This was about establishing and affirming a lasting connection, making  _the_ memory--the last thing they would remember doing together. And they both took it very seriously. They were so consumed in each other that time seemed to stand still and for those nine hours they just enjoyed each other. They made love on the sofa and tenderly kissed and joked about how Justin and Michael planned to continue  _Rage_ which got Brian's hopes up again that they would see each other more often than his pessimism led him to believe. At one point Justin started tickling Brian while reminiscing how jealous he'd been over Justin and Michael sharing something Brian wasn't a part of which led to Brian flipping over trying to get out of range of Justin's fingers which sent them both to the floor in a heap of laughter. From their position on the floor, Justin perched lightly on top of Brian, they gazed at each other, somber again, and kissed passionately. This led to an attempt, and failure, to retire to their bed... which would have worked had Justin's favorite pile of makeshift-bed pillows not been even closer... and had Justin not gotten the sudden idea to ride Brian hard but lovingly. Justin had enthusiastically walked backward to the pillows, turned around and slowly pushed Brian back, hinting at what he wanted, which Brian happily gave. Justin clutched Brian to him as he glided over him and Brian worked with him to hit every delicious angle he could, milking the ones that seemed to be favorites...

They once again broke to talk and kiss intermittently, this time fantasizing about how they would spend their visits with each other... which turned to talks about what they would miss most about each other... which led to making love for the third and final time (of the night) in their bed. 

Each round was more impassioned and emotionally driven than the last going from soft and sweet caresses on the sofa with so much smiling and laughing it was like nothing was even wrong, to reverent and breathless on the pillows, to passionate and desperate in their bed. It was that third and final time that broke Brian and made him realize this was it... This wasn't just them having sex anymore this was a goodbye... possibly forever. They could laugh and fantasize all they wanted but the truth was neither of them knew what their future held and neither could guarantee that something wouldn't come up to keep them from seeing each other ever again.

After Brian collapsed on Justin from their third orgasm Brian immediately rose to his elbows to keep Justin's sweet face in sight. Rapture flooded his veins and love lightened his heart so much he couldn't help but smile until he saw the look on Justin's face. He was staring up at Brian with so much torn anguish and love it knocked the wind out of Brian's lungs and the happiness drained from his body because that look only meant one thing--their final moment was here... Justin had to really leave soon. As they stared at each other Brian could see tears building in Justin's eyes and the sight was like an arrow to the chest and it brought the salty bitterness to his own eyes.  _Fuck..._

He ground his teeth together in desperate attempt to stave his emotions and ran his hand over Justin's hair, feeling the silky texture of the golden strands and relishing the feeling as the shorter strands tickled his fingers. He ran his hand over Justin's hair and down to his satin cheek, slightly damp from sweat. Justin closed his eyes and grabbed Brian's forearm as he caressed the side of his face and smiled a little bit until it wavered with emotion again.

"It's time?" Brian whispered so quietly even he could barely hear it. But Justin had heard and nodded minutely. The air rushed out of Brian as near panic set in and his eyes scanned Justin's face and he desperately ran his hand over Justin's hair once again. A smile tugged at Justin's lips as Brian continued memorizing the look, the smell, the texture of  _Justin_ and worshipped the feeling in a different, yet similar, fashion to their love making. As Brian continued looking at Justin's face, absorbing and memorizing every freckle, every line, every curve in his face he felt emotion start to take over in a very un-Brian Kinney way. When Justin opened his eyes again and met Brian's gaze the small smile faded completely and his breathing seemed to hitch. Before the first of many tears spilled over, Brian collapsed on Justin, allowing his full weight to relax on the younger man who simply wrapped his arms around him as Brian clutched the blonde's body to him. He ran his fingers into his hair and held on tight, his other arm occupied to keep him from suffocating him, but even that hand caressed the curve of his shoulder as Brian, admittedly, cried for a moment into the mattress by Justin's ear. He kept the gasping sound mostly silent as the tears fell. Justin stroked Brian's back consolingly and allowed tears of his own to stream down his cheeks as they held each other. They both dried up quickly but refused to let go. 

They'd held each other until the last possible moment and it still wasn't enough. They hadn't moved from that position, clutching at each other desperately, absorbing each other's warmth and air, breathing in each other's scent. Right before Justin rolled out from under him they'd turned to face each other and breathed each other's air as they took in the other's face. They'd caressed each other and kissed briefly before Justin went to roll out from under Brian and Brian had let him go easily--absolutely the hardest thing he'd had to do since letting Gus go. The double loss hit him like a fucking freight train, and that's what left Brian here laying naked across their--his bed. Once the brunt of the pain ebbed and numbness took its place, he felt like he was waiting for something but wasn't sure what. An alarm on his clock to reset his motivation to do something? A phone call from Justin?  Divine intervention?

He couldn't escape the thought that they were supposed to be fucking  _now_. They were supposed to be ringing in their marriage with many,  _many_ bangs. The night before last should have been their wedding day and they should now be planning their vacation for a belated summer honeymoon, not saying goodbye, not longing for him even though he'd told him, and himself, that he was perfectly fine with it. Today they were supposed to only leave their bed for food and booze and that was it. And then they were going to pack up the loft to start their next chapter in the manor. Brian should not be laying alone hoping with all of his might that Justin calls him soon to let him know that he's settling in, that he still loves him.

Brian sniffed back his rising emotion and rolled onto his back to stare blankly up at the ceiling. It took all of his concentration but he finally dropped his head to the left to check the time.

He had been wrong. Though a couple hours had passed since Justin left, his plane had probably only just taken off leaving him with another couple of hours to wait anxiously. Time apparently stood still when you were practically in mourning. He rolled his eyes at himself, annoyed at his princess-y emotions and heartache and rubbed his eyes roughly with a groan. He couldn't help it, but his self-disgust couldn't be helped either.

Justin was doing what he had to do... what they both wanted for him... what was good for him. And Brian needed to suck it the fuck up and go on. He'd always want him, he'd always love him... And that was exactly why he let him go--insisted, even. Brian sighed and sat up, deciding to get dressed at least. All he could manage was a pair of jeans but it was something.

He couldn't allow himself to fall completely apart as though Justin had died. It was pathetic. Pants on, Brian lit up a cigarette and sat on the edge of the bed remembering some of his favorite memories of Justin in this room: their first time together, the first time Justin topped him, when they'd reunited after Justin's bashing. so many play fights and so much laughter Brian couldn't even keep up with the memories as one flowed into another. A whole history, a giant story, all on this one piece of furniture. He took a drag of the cigarette and exhaled slowly, forcing himself to keep calm. The happy memories would  _not_ be tainted by his longing; they would be what got him through until Justin came back. And even if Justin never came back there were certainly enough happy memories to cherish and hold dear. All the while, Brian would be rooting for that spazzy, graceful, silly, gracious little blonde from here, always checking in with Lindsay if not Justin himself to make sure he was dominating the art world as he, and everyone, knew he would. But hopefully he'd be able to also support him there... If Justin really did keep Brian in his mind and heart and invite him. Brian wanted nothing more, but wouldn't force him. 

If they were meant to be, they would be--or whatever that stupid fortune-cookie way of talking says. Even though it was pathetic, Brian had to believe it. It was what got him off his ass a few hours later and encouraged him to put on a shirt to start working. It was what kept his phone always in his pocket from that day forward waiting for the call but not obsessively checking it to make sure he didn't miss it, either. It was what convinced him to re-open Babylon after all. All signs pointed to Babylon and whispered to him to never lose hope but don't lose your way while waiting. Though he would always be waiting, wanting, he was still going to live his life to the fullest so when Justin did call he could tell him that he was being the best goddamned homosexual he could possibly be--he'd lead by example so if and when Justin called needing reassurance, Brian would know with confidence he could offer that reassurance.

He kept the rings, as he knew he would, in a safe place. Even if they never used them, he would always keep them as a symbol of their non-conventional love. To remind him that they are outside tradition and that is okay. To remind him that some day they might settle down but that day was not today nor this year that year.

When Brian finally did get that phone call it was a beautiful surprise well welcomed. And he was proud to be able to report that he was doing well... As was Justin.


End file.
